Happy Resolutions Remorse Day!
Oh, you don’t know what that is? Let me explain.
As January comes to a close, you’re itching to break the unrealistic goals you set for yourself this year.
By now, you’ve considered violating your resolutions so many times, you’ve developed a tic. It’s imperative your butt crosses the threshold of a door five times before the rest of your body. Unsurprisingly, everyone thinks you’re demented.
You’ve also taken to drawing tiny cartoons of a man (who looks like you) stabbing other men and women (who look like your co-workers) with a large, state-of-the-art cooking knife. You’ve hung the troubling artwork on your wall, thereby surrounding yourself with a sea of imagery, depicting blood, murder and despair.
Frighteningly, your irritability is causing you to plunger the faces of people who disturb you—especially while you watch cartoons or organize your vintage button collection.
So here’s a day to help get you through.
Instead of sitting around thinking, “I don’t want to be positive. Why wasn’t I content being the pessimist I was born to be?”
Or, “Maybe I don’t want washboard abs. Who cares if I never look like a cross between Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum?”
Well, stop torturing yourself and let loose.
Walk down the street with your hand in a bag of cheesy Doritos. Your beer gut hanging from your lucky, junior-sized, football jersey. Your old, dirty sneakers untied. Because you know you wanna!
Bathe in a tub of Coke while listening to Joy Division’s “She Lost Control.” Chant all the reasons you hate yourself—you peaked in high school, your thighs touch, you’ll never be as good as your sister Natalie. Because, again, you know you wanna!
At the end of the day, you’ll probably feel more remorse for having broken your resolutions than for having made them. But don’t worry about that yet. Just relish in the masochistic sweetness of doing everything you know you shouldn’t.
HAPPY RESOLUTIONS REMORSE DAY!