Maurice Brescia, a 99-year-old man from Boston, Massachusetts, says this year’s going to be different.
A recent study published by The Journal of Reliable Studies reported, out of all Americans, elderly people are most committed to keeping their New Year’s resolutions.
“I don’t have a lot of time left,” says Brescia. “I’m taking advantage of my last, precious years by becoming the man I always wanted to be.”
Brescia’s determined to stick to three resolutions.
“My goal is to fart less,” says Brescia. “When I’m gassy, the room gets wicked smelly. No one wants to be around me. And I’d like to see more of my grandchildren.”
Brescia’s second resolution is to eat healthier. “For 50 years, I’ve been addicted to spray cheese. Why not real cheese? Well, I don’t know. I kind of like the ‘pssss, chuuu’ sound it makes coming out of the can.”
Brescia hopes his second resolution will help him follow his first.
When asked about his third must-do in 2014, the elderly man says, “I’m cleaning up my crumbs.”
Brescia eats toast for breakfast; he admits to making a crumby mess every, single morning. “When I go to butter the toast? That’s when things get out of control,” says Brescia. “Maybe I’m an aggressive butter-er.”
In the past, he brushed crumbs from counter to floor and looked away to feign ignorance. “I’d step in them [the crumbs]. They’d stick to my feet. Then, friends would come over and ask, ‘Ey, Maurice! Why you got crusty feet?’ So I’ve gotta get clean.”
Brescia says he also wants to win the lottery, although he understands that’s more of a wish than a resolution. “I just want to hit the jackpot so I can die in a pool full of money.”
He’s performing 100 “Please God, make me a millionaire” prayers a day to increase the likelihood his wish will come true.
We’re eight days into 2014 and Brescia says he’s still going strong. “I’m crumb free. I’m eating real, sharp cheddar in what my wife calls ‘moderation.’ And I did fart once, but don’t tell anyone. It was one of those ‘silent but deadly’ deals and I blamed it on the dog.”