"Chloe’s Jelly Belly Steals The Show.”
“Lead Singer Renamed: ‘Chloe Doughy Gut.'"
“Chloe finds love (around her waist).”
Jennifer Lawrence outlawed calling people “fat,”
but it didn’t do me any good.
The media berates me and it’s all because I gained
30, little pounds.
Meanwhile, pop star Evie E. is being hailed as
She gets away with caloric murder because Rolling Stone magazine named her: “The voice that’s changed music as we know it—today, tomorrow, forever and always, to infinity and beyond.”
Sadly, I think I set myself up for criticism. I can't dress for my figure because Kiki and I are “The Cropped Toppers" and we always have to look the part.
Our band began one magical night in summer 2012. We were walking to a Brooklyn loft party when Kiki hummed a tune. I chimed in with lyrics:
“Ooo, we wear our cropped tops
Other girls gonna call the cops
Because we kill it every night
The boys, they always fight
For our ahh-feh-heh-heh-hec-shunnn.”
We ended up recording the track, "Killer Cropped Tops," which led to a series of successes we never dreamed of.
We signed a deal with Cutie Pie Records.
Topped the charts with “Lick My Belly Button.”
Hit no. 1 with “Tummy Teaser.”
Won a teen choice award for “Best Band Ever.”
Garnered millions of fans.
Inspired a line of limited edition Barbie dolls.
Embarked upon a sold-out, 50-city tour.
We blew up overnight. Then, so did my weight.
Can you blame me? The tour was stressful. We were always rushing to our next show. We became slaves to the road and its exit eateries. I had no choice but to break a sacred oath I made back in college:
“To Zeta Beta Zeta. Its founders. Its sisters ere now. Its sisters present. I hereby pledge to never, ever (ever, ever, under any circumstance, ever) lay finger or tongue upon tiny penis or fast food meal.”
Don't worry. I didn’t disobey the “tiny penis” part (Lenny the bus driver is crazy huge). But I did start eating Burger King.
Actually, I got addicted to their Satisfries.
That’s why I gained 30 pounds.
That's why none of my cropped tops look right.
That’s why I routinely broke out in tears on stage, during the jumping portion of our choreography.
And that’s why I’m currently on Prozac and a new “Chew It to Lose It” gum cleanse.
I’ve consoled myself by reminding myself no one is perfect. Not even Yeezus. And, I'll bet you Kim Kardashian’s ass fat he's never really run suicides on the tour bus.